I regularly visit a building that has recently converted the Gents’ urinals to be “waterless”, i.e. it no longer needs to be flushed with clean water at regular intervals from a self-cycling tank. Indeed, there is a notice warning users not to pour water down them under any circumstances. Fortunately, a weak urea solution with assorted minor chemical traces appears to be permissable!

Whilst this is good for water consumption, there is a downside. A quick study on the topic of waterless urinals (via ‘tinternet) reveals that conversions are not always problem free.

Indeed, this particular convenience is developing an odour problem, or as one user put it, “it stinks of stale piss in here”.

Urine can acquire a particularly pungent odour in the right conditions. To demonstrate this, carry out the following:

1) Fill a large vessel with fresh urine at body temperature and seal, but not too tightly. Ensure the vessel is of adequate capacity!
2) Allow the contents to stand for approximately 12 hours, whilst retaining most of the latent heat. Selection of a storage vessel utilising vacuum insulation technology manufactured by the Thermos Corporation is particularly suitable.
3) Place the vessel horizontally on the front seat of a Company motor vehicle and leave parked in the sun for a further 8-9 hours.
4) return to the vehicle to experience the joy of fermented urine in full-on fish-o-rama.
5) Waste money on ineffective valeting and air fresheners. Throw away the Thermos. Allow the Company to sell the car internally to someone you don’t like very much.

A recent conversation whilst out shopping….

(Connected to some sea animals having suckers, as inspired by Squidward Tentacle in Spongebob Squarepants)

Me- “So does an Octopus and a limpet. Do you know what a limpet is?”

Son- “I don’t think so…”

Me- “You’ve seen them, they are quite small, shaped like this, have a hard shell and they cling on to rocks by a sort of sucker. Their sucker is so powerful that you have to kick them very hard to move them.”

Son- (after a short pause)”….or you could use a hammer….”

(Sound of trolley weaving across the car park whilst the parent is practically doubled up in laughter).

We seem to have a bit of a problem with our Town Council, of which I am a Member. We talked about a suggestion last meeting to fine anyone whose mobile phone went off in a meeting, £5 to the Mayor’s charity. I asked that the fine bit be struck out as I thought it was illiberal to force someone to pay a charitable contribution under duress, after all we are not Magistrates (actually, a couple of us are, but they are not on the bench in Council meetings). My suggested amendment fell for want of a seconder.

Anyway, subsequent to the meeting, we were sent amended standing orders from the Town Council Office (despite the motion not being seconded & being “for discussion”) & furthermore, we have a Standing Order that prohibits discussing any change to Standing Orders at a meeting once proposed or seconded anyway!

The correct procedure is to propose & second, defer, then continue discussion at the next meeting. Previously the constitutional committee has dealt with these matters but in my opinion this could have simply been added to a “guidance for councillors”
document without any kerfuffle.

Hopefully we don’t bring ourselves into disrepute by breaking our own rules as we could be accused of maladministration which hardly bodes well for our Quality Council status.

…DVDs that insist on you watching certain bits with fast-forward and track advance not permitted.

It started with copyright notices, moved on to brand idents. Next, trailers that you couldn’t skip, just fast-forward through. Now, “Sharks Tale” insists on us sitting all the way through the Dreamworks ident, a trailer for Madagascar and another trailer/infomercial for Wallace & Gromit every time we insert the disk.

Soon, a chipping service specifically for overriding this “feature” could make a mint due to market forces….

The Pleasure Beach opened for the pre-season £10 wristband weekends on Saturday. Unfortunately, it was way too popular, we even had to queue 20 minutes for the River Caves….