Shades of Grey

…started like any other. I rolled up to the office of Northern telecom (UK) Ltd in Maidenhead, visited the coffee dispenser for a mugful, checked my faxes for anything important, then ripped June 13th off my desk calendar.

This wasn’t any ordinary calendar, however, it was Polyunsaturated PEDIGREE NOT 1983 (with ADDED QN7), a spin-off sheet-per-day merchandise product of the then defunct Not the Nine O’ Clock News, designed to cash in on the Christmas trade. (Dilbert hadn’t been invented then so Engineers latched onto anything funny or surreal).

As was my want, I read the back of the outgoing sheet before putting it in the bin. Occasionally, I would chortle and show it to one or two others if it was particularly funny.

That day, I made the mistake of drinking at the same time and the result was a coffee spray and lots of coughing & gurgling. A colleague of mine picked it up, read it then started howling with laughter. Another took a look and fell off his chair. By mid day, practically everyone with a sense of humour had been to the photocopier.

What had amused us so much? Well, by the miracle of eBay, I am able to reproduce it below. It is written in the style of a ladies’ comic quiz such as found in Woman’s Own or Woman’s Realm. (Or at least, it starts off that way!)

(I have to forewarn you that it contains a word or two not used in polite circles. To avoid upsetting Corporate firewalls, I have shuffled the letters up. Perservere with your pencil, and you will be able to unscramble it, although make sure you have some smelling salts to hand if you faint readily. Although a walk in the presence of builders or schoolchildren will find such words used as punctuation these days…)

How romantic is your chap?

Complete the quiz below and find out just how high he scores in the romance stakes!!!

His favourite name for you is…
a ( ) Sweetness, prettiness, honeypie, petal…
b ( ) Babe, baby.
c ( ) Bunny, squirrel nutkin.
b ( ) Cnut.

He wants to make love to you, he says…
a ( ) Nothing - but he tells you with his eyes, his hands.
b ( ) Hey babe/baby - lets get down on it.
c ( ) Kissy kissy.
d ( ) Get your frock off, cnut.

You’re in the midst of a blazing row, you’re most likely to end the evening…
a ( ) Laughing and hugging.
b ( ) Sharing a joint, injecting each other.
c ( ) Over his knee getting a good spanking.
d ( ) Unconscious/told to kcuf off because you’re a cnut.

His favourite part of you is…
a ( ) Every little bit of you.
b ( ) Breasts, buttocks
c ( ) Your funny little nose.
d ( ) Cnut.

Afterthought… We received a shared account into the Nortel Corporate WAN a couple of days later. Alex, the Software Specialist, solemnly announced that the password was set to “FROCKOFF”, which we revitalised every time the system would let us…

I read a number of blogs when I can spare the time. It doesn’t totally match up to my Blogroll but I synch them occasionally. Brian Micklethwait is worth a regular read and recently posted two items which made me look, the first about optical illusions to do with shade and colour, the second about items known as “Dilettos”. I didn’t make the connection until I clicked through, it puts another twist on the phrase all of our products are personally tested by the management...

We had a trip to Blackpool to take advantage of David’s last free weekend- swimming lessons and Kid’s clubs start again next week.

David particularly wanted to see Mystique which has a “PG” rating. The semi-naked nubettes washed over his head but he was somewhat upset by a dancer being impaled at the end of the first half and Richard De Vere (the Magician) being sawn in half towards the end of the second half. His real disappointment was the lack of Schnorbitz- the massive St. Bernard dog that used to belong to Bernie Winters (I’m not surprised he didn’t appear in a way, I worked a panto season in 1975 & Schnorbitz was there so he must be at least 150 years older by now!)

It seems that whilst he may an old dog, he remains a horny one as he became a Dad ten weeks ago & to prove it Richard De Vere produced “Schnorbaby” who whilst still a Pup was almost as big as a fully grown Labrador!

No new ride innovations for David, although he did go on the Revolution by himself although he wouldn’t brave Trauma Towers. Having season tickets for the Plesh has dragged us down there a lot more than normal to get our money’s worth, although it is unlikely we would fork out again next year as you can have too much of a good thing. It is also a pain having to queue up at the main entrances (which are of course the busiest ones) and collect the cards again afterwards.

Gripe of the day- we tried to book tickets for Mystique before the main park opened (which are free with a wristband admission, but it is worth paying a bit more for better seats) but we were told we had to actually have been issued with the wristbands, our season cards weren’t good enough. Then on returning afterwards, the wristbands were not scanned or anything, we were just asked if we had them & she only glanced at mine. What did that particular bit of burocratic stubbornness achieve other than to annoy us? (& also to ensure that we got worse seats as they had
presumably sold quite a few in the intervening hour.)

We saw perhaps half a mile of the illuminations from the Sandcastle car park up to the southern finish on the way out. I must say that they aren’t worth sitting in Prom traffic for 2-3 hours.

I’ve noticed recently that quite a few things have gone wrong and stayed that way for much longer than anticipated. Two of the lifts at work have needed special parts, my UPS has gone into a sulk and I’ve had to rebuild my PC & Microshaft don’t recognise my license code.

Besides all this, Morley has been without the Town Hall clock until recently, stuck on 4:15pm so as someone rightly pointed out in the paper, it is right twice a day!

It would seem that it is probably cheaper to replace the mechanics of the clock (which is the original 1895 mechanism although it does now have an electric winder) with a modern electronic mechanism which would keep much better time, ring the bells and be flexible enough to silence it at night or when concerts are on in the Hall. It would be a shame to lose that bit of history but at the moment it is a curate’s egg- even the staff are barred from visiting it, let alone horologists.

The Town Hall is a Grade 1 listed building so fixtures and fittings should be preserved where possible. Some forward thinking local authorities have preserved their mechanisms in museum displays or even street level ornamental clocks but it costs money. Better an enthusiast to tend or rescue it methinks- if he can fit up the “manhole” to access it- I’m told I’ll probably struggle!

Sitting on the Town Council Planning Committee gives an insight into things likely to happen in the town, although the gap between seeing the plans and the skips being delivered to the premises can be a long time (if they ever happen at all- there is no obligation to implement the plans, although they will lapse within 3 years or so if not actually started).

In amongst the comparative routine of the minor extensions, conservatories and changes of use, every now and then something big or unusual may come along. A large hotel was recently proposed which is to be welcomed even if it is rather bland by the standards of some.

Another scheme was the conversion of a former chapel to flats, simple in itself but it was going to “blight the townscape” by a “hideous carbuncle” in the words of others. I wasn’t overly bothered by it myself but I thought that the florid prose and architect’s drawings oversold something rather dull and it was rather rough on the adjacent houses whose bedrooms would be overlooked by the roof garden. As it happened, the developer came up with a much less controversial scheme but another one made me wonder. An extension to an end-terrace was going to have a flat roof forming a balcony in order to enjoy the view of a hillside opposite. However, the said residents could then also potentially overlook the gardens of the other terraced houses as well, which would invade their privacy. I did point out that anyone could quite happily stare obliquely out of their own window which was perfectly legal behavour but it seems that doing the same in the comfort of a chair with drink in hand is much more hienous and to be objected to. Not even the fallback of obscured glass would sway the opinions.

My libertarian view is that is their own house and simply constructing it that way should be their own choice, their actions being the ones to object to if they actually do dump on others. Having said that, this reeks of individualism, a trait to be discouraged by Town Planners in these enlightened times.

So, however did we manage in the dark old days before the Town and Country Planning Act, when anything went and the buildings were of poor quality? Well it might surprise many to find that it was only introduced in 1947. Since then we have replaced the dreadful technique of town evolution based on usage (going back to roman times) with are much more elegant central planning, the schemes that gave us Coventry, Milton Keynes, Peterlee, Welwyn Garden City and Harlow.

Equally delightfully, we have been able to replace those dour twiddly victorian, edwardian and between the wars horrors with such wonders as Arndale Centres, Centre Point style concrete blocks and those workers paradise high rises that every local authority cherishes.

Er… just run that by me again?