The State opening of Parliament

The Queen Opening parliamentThe British parliament is now in Prorogation, an arcane term meaning between sessions. It will be opened again on Tuesday with the traditional speech by the Head of State.
The opening of Parliament is full of tradition; the Royal Standard is raised on the flagpole of the Victoria Tower the moment that the Queen steps out of the Royal Coach. Whilst she goes to powder her nose, Black Rod goes to the Chamber of the House of Commons to ask nicely if they wouldn’t mind popping along to the other big tent to hear what the Boss has to say and has the door slammed in his face, the ultimate rebuttal of a cold caller doorstep salesman.  Symbolically, this means that the Monarch can F*** right off, can’t you see that we are eating our tea?

Through the power of the Blogosphere, Shades of Grey has managed to obtain an advance copy of what the Queen will probably be reading next week. It is an early draft and remarkably does not include the normal embargo rules of being withheld by the Press until after it has been read out in the House of Lords. In the interests of freedom of speech and with relief that treason no longer requires death by hanging, I am happy to publish this leaked speech in full.

It is refreshingly frank…

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons

My Government will pursue policies aimed at meeting the challenges which the United Kingdom faces at home and abroad.

A stable economy is the foundation of a fair and prosperous society. My Government will continue to maintain the facade of low inflation, sound public finances and high employment through dubious statistical methods, off-book PFI accounting practices and continued expansion of the public sector non-jobs initiative as well as raising the school leaving age to 42.

My Government will put total surveillance at the heart of the criminal justice system, support the police and all those responsible for the public’s safety with further training in recognising thought crime and proceed with the development of ID cards regardless of timescales, costs or inevitable uselessness.

My Government will publish a Bill on climate change as part of its policy to protect the environment, consistent with the need to secure long-term energy supplies. They might have done this before, but it wasn’t scary enough.

My Government will take forward legislation to re-reform the welfare system, and to reduce poverty, definitely this time, honest.

Legislation will be introduced to enhance confidence in Government statistics, mainly by punitive measures against anyone who dares to disagree with them or looks too closely at Common Purpose. Nothing to see here, move along.

Members of the House Of Commons;

Estimates for the Public Services will be laid before you. They will have the usual margin of error. (-0%/+3000%)

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons;

My Government will work closely with the devolved administrations in Scotland and Wales to ensure that the obvious unfairness of the Barnett formula is played down and calls for an English Parliament can be ridiculed with a straight face.

My Government will work towards the restoration of devolution in Northern Ireland, including by bringing forward legislation to decriminalise kneecapping.

My Government remains committed to peace in the Middle East. It will continue to work to find a lasting settlement between Israel and the Palestinians, to support the new Iraqi Government in its efforts to build an enduring constitutional settlement, and to assist the Government of Afghanistan. We will probably have a war with Iran, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Other measures will be laid before you. These include stealth regionalisation, rubber stamping of European Law on the nod through the use of Statutory Instruments and gold plating compliance legislation so all those horrible oiks with BMWs shut down their small businesses and clear off to Spain. They didn’t vote for my Government so they aren’t important.

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons: I pray that the blessing of Almighty God may rest upon your counsels. So as not to offend anyone, I’d just like to clarify God also includes Allah, Jahweh and any other invisible friend that people find comfort in. Even elephants on the backs of giant turtle which I’m told is called Pratchettism (but obviously not people who say they are Jedi, that is just silly!) .

All faiths and beliefs are equally valued in inclusive Britain, or the EuroIsland Regions as we should start calling it.