My work colleague Womble on tour doesn’t like his local council very much. It is Kirklees Council, formerly known as Kirklees Metropolitan Council. It is a made-up name for the conurbation of Batley, Dewsbury, Huddersfield and Holmfirth.

Anyway, they have composed an anthem called the Kirklees Anthem as they are in the celebration business. You can see the words here and what Womble thinks of it (not much!) here. I’m in agreement with him, I think the lyrics are cringe-worthy.

So seize the moment! Seize the day!
And as you travel along life’s way,
Join your hands to a thousand more,
Making Kirklees strong!

However, I got to thinking as to why they made us squirm so much whereas others may well find them inspiring. I reckon it is a fine line between inspirational and patronising, upbeat and cheesy, affirmation and propaganda. The Kirklees anthem is over the line also because of where it has come from- a local authority. The positive message about togetherness, striving for improvement and co-operation suddenly sounds a bit silly when you get to the last line. Who is actually in a position to choose where they live or are in a position to do anything much about it without great expense?  Not very many of us, we live where we do mostly because we can afford to do so in relation to our work. Who is proud of their Council outside of political wonks? They don’t exactly inspire the passion of a successful soccer team. Most of us just want them to do the common housekeeping that it is more sensible to carry out collectively (like refuse services, streetlights & potholes) rather than them trying to engineer our social lives to be better citizens.

I’m pleased to say that sometimes Councillors recognise this as well; Cllr Robert Finnigan once described Leeds’ Millennium Square outside of the Civic Hall as the world’s most expensive patio.

(The Local Government Association are currently organising a campaign to explain to us how many things that Councils actually do and my reaction to that is why the hell are they doing all these things?)

Now some may argue that Kirklees is a local education authority so it is their business to inspire children. I say rubbish to that, it is inspirational teachers and caring parents, the LEA is only a sock puppet to central government anyway, the current direction appearing to be the total eradication of merit within the education system in the name of fairness.

Many anthems seem to be based on requiring a certain level of faith, whether religious (e.g. fight the good fight) or a cultural belief in there being something special about your Country (e.g. Jerusalem). Others require supplication; Hymns often come across as pompous, arrogant or manipulative when examined with a critical eye and America’s Hail to the Chief always strikes me as rather silly, especially when the incumbent strains the dignity of office by their words and deeds.

Disney came up with a number of stirring songs that could be considered anthemesque for their various pavilions at Epcot, but they presented them very theatrically which aids the gravitas and reverence.

I have amassed a selection of anthem-like themes as I spent a number of years doing the sound for conferences, often adding stirring music for the presentation of awards. A favourite anthem of mine (sans words) was composed for National Lampoon’s Animal House movie - the Faber College theme. The movie is (admittedly very good) purile schoolboy humour but the theme has dignity. I’ve used it for ceremonial walkdowns with a straight face, smiled with the theme to Jurassic Park and fell off my chair with the theme  to Steptoe and Son!

My old school are doing a special celebratory show tomorrow night at the Sage in Gateshead, (repeated on Saturday in the hall) recounting the first 47 years of the school’s history. I wonder if they might do a few lines of the opening hymn at the 1961 dedication? It is called These things must be! And is from a poem or story written by John Addington Symonds in the 19th Century. It is the sort of thing that ties in well with a school wanting to educate youngsters to go forward into the world with a passion for knowledge and a thirst for understanding. I found the words online and I have highlighted the verses actually sang at the opening ceremony, presumably chosen to be particularly relevant to learning.

Say, heart, what will the future bring
To happier men when we are gone?
What golden days shall dawn for them,
Transcending all we gaze upon?

These things shall be! A loftier race
Than e’er the world hath known, shall rise
With flame of freedom in their souls
And light of science in their eyes.

They shall be gentle, brave and strong
Not to shed human blood, but dare
All that may plant man’s lordship firm
On earth and fire and sea and air.

Nation with nation, land with land
Unarmed shall live as comrades free;
In every brain and heart shall throb
The pulse of one fraternity.

They shall be simple in their homes,
And splendid in their public ways,
Filling the mansions of the state
With music and with hymns of praise.

In aisles majestic, halls of pride,
In gardens, groves, and galleries,
Manhood and age and youth shall meet
To grow by converse inly wise.

New arts shall bloom of loftier mould
And mightier music thrill the skies,
And every life a song shall be,
When all the earth is paradise.

These things - they are no dream - shall be
For happier men when we are gone:
Those golden days for them shall dawn,
Transcending all we gaze upon.

We come each day, we’re really cool,
We learn these things at Kenton School.

OK, so I added the last two lines, but that is how the Kirklees Anthem reads to me!

It is interesting to note that as well as the verses being slightly juggled in order, the lyrics were changed slightly in the third verse (“they shall be gentle, brave and strong”) the  following line was sang as “To spill no drop of blood, not dare”. Is this an early manifestation of political correctness?

It is uncertain that such a Hymn would be chosen for a school these days, as according to Wikipedia, John Addington Symonds was possibly a kiddie fiddler and would struggle to get a clean CRB check. He would be celebrated for being gay, of course, but even the PC have to think of the children when it comes to what he called l’amour de l’impossible.

Should Morley have an anthem? I’d suggest this…